Secret Diary of Steve Ballmer Version 2.0

Beware of the big dog

2007-07-10T14:11:00.000-07:00

Gotta be quick because I'm in Denver today at the worldwide partner event where we're ripping it! I love partners. They get my juices flowing. Think about it. Thousands of them all over the globe. Little seedlings full of unlimited potential. All you have to do is feed and water them regularly. And that's what this event is all about. Me, Turner, and some of the other executives are supplying the fertilizer. Later tonight we'll add the water. Courtesy of Coors that is. And plenty of it too. The media is already feeling the buzz we're generating here. I tell ya it is off the charts! Even el grande mediascum the Register couldn't put their usual negative spin on it. Only we aren't just going to bark in '08, pommy mediadorks, we're gonna bite! You'll see. Woof!

More proof that our people are the best!

2007-07-10T08:24:00.000-07:00

Minidork went and blew the lid off my new blog. And I was still in stealth mode. Twerp. I can't seem to shake this guy. He's like Professor Moriarty to my Sherlock Holmes. Or maybe Grendel to my Beowulf. Yeah, I had to read it in school too. Anyhoo, I make one post with my plan to catch the little creep and up he pops. Meanwhile I've been posting about mediadorks like Bishop, Dudley, and Greene, and none of them figured it out. Great sources guys. I guess Woodward and Bernstein can breathe a little easier. Still, it proves what I always say. Our people are the best. Even the bad apples. Mini, I still want to cap your ass. But your display of initiative and tech savvy in blowing away those mediascum makes me proud. Maybe we can hire you back as a consultant or something after we find you, beat you up, and then fire you.

Dammit Dammit Dammit!

2007-07-07T16:01:00.000-07:00

I told Bill this despicable Nintendo campaign to undermine confidence in Xbox was going to cost us. And it did. One large. I don't mean a thousand bucks either. We're talking large large. For you non-cognoscenti, that means one billion to us super-rich. Shit! Bach told me he had this under control. New units with some added technical doodad were going to quietly roll into the channel, we'd continue ignoring existing whiners, and everything would be okay. Like that worked. Prick. I should have thrown him under the bus when everyone was clamouring for me to do it. But nooo, I stood by him. This is how he repays me. At least the FAM isn't for a while. I couldn't face that mob of analystdorks right now. And thank God Liddell got onside. When I first approached him about burying the charge in '07 instead of '08 he got all pissy with me. "But Steve, GAAP says this and the SEC says that, blah blah blah". Like I give a flying f#!k, you by-the-book dork. In hindsight, maybe I shouldn't have started things off quoting the old "five-second" rule for eating food dropped on the floor. I guess they don't have that saying in the land where men are men, and sheep are scared. Anyway, we don't pay him the really big green so he eventually came around. As for you Bach, you'd better get your shit together and deliver that profitability we promised this year. And don't expect a big increase in year-end stock grants either. We both know where that money went.

A couple people are returning Xboxes

2007-07-04T08:11:00.000-07:00

I already admitted that we've had the occasional problem. Mea goddamned culpa. What do you people want, blood? It was bad enough when the mediadorks were speculating about 20% return rates. But now they're claiming 33%. And get a load of this so-called "study". Look, we pay for these things all the time. You can make them say whatever you want. But that stuff about Canada is just an obvious fabrication. C'mon, like an Xbox is going to overheat there. Check out the picture that some of our covert people captured and you'll understand what's really going on here. What do you see? Cottonheads, women and children. That's Nintendo's fan base, not ours. These miscreants are simply trying to give the Xbox a bad name by buying it and then returning it, claiming it's "unreliable". All so their precious Wii can take over. It's despicable. The mediadorks are falling for it, but don't be fooled. We're on it.

Telling it like it really is

2007-06-29T10:52:00.000-07:00

One mediadork finally has the courage to tell the truth about this goddamned iPhone. It's just a phone, people. A really expensive one. Listening to the breathless coverage you'd think it was the Second Coming. I'll give Apple and Jobsdork some credit. They've been able to generate a little buzz around this thing. And the unit isn't entirely ugly. But the honeymoon is over. We had our honeymoon phase too back in the 90's. It doesn't last. Now we have to work for a living. Apple's going to find that out. Meanwhile we're laser-focused on our strategy. It may not be as "sexy", but we're after big game. Apple can have their little niche and the adoration of clueless fashionistas and mediadorks. Jim, keep up the good work. As mediascum go, you're pretty okay. I'm sending you a pink Zune as a thank you. Squirt me.

Meg, call me.

2007-06-28T11:17:00.000-07:00

What is it with Whitman? Even some of the mediadorks have figured out that Google is secretly plotting to bury Ebay. "Do no evil", my ass. But still she's in denial. I must have put in a dozen calls to her over the past few weeks to talk about getting them onto our platform instead. Each time she either didn't respond, or called Bill. Then he calls me and tells me she called, I call her, and she calls him again. Talk about a nightmare loop. Look, I know you guys go way back. But he left me in charge, okay? So just pick up the phone and call me directly. We'll work something out. I'm serious about this. Hell, I'll get the Ebay logo tattooed on my left butt cheek live on Miami Ink if that's what it takes to show you we're committed. Just call me. Oh, and use a regular land line or cell, okay? Bill says that Skype shit you're using is flaky, and I trust his judgement on this kinda stuff. Maybe we can throw in some Speech Server as part of the deal.

Bloody Brits

2007-06-27T08:38:00.000-07:00

Whatever happened to "stiff upper lip"? The suffering in silence that made the British famous during the Battle of Britain? Here they are whining because a few Xbox's had some problems. Let me fill you in on a no-so-well-kept secret. Stuff occasionally breaks. You guys should know, you gave us British-Leyland automobiles. And that "20%" failure rate is just laughable. I know what it is and I can tell you flat out it isn't 20%. It isn't even 19%, unless you round up. Get your facts straight, you pommy bastards.

"Pretty cool to see my team on the list"

2007-06-27T08:04:00.000-07:00

I'll say. Some long overdue recognition for our people in the SRC. See story here. Key quote: "Moyer said Microsoft's Security Response Center (MSRC) made the grade this year because the job is just so hard and thankless. "It's one of those classic jobs, which isn't gross or dangerous in any way, but the overwhelmingness of the task at hand makes it so daunting that only the most intrepid would venture there." That's what we do. The hard stuff. The thankless stuff. The stuff nobody likes to talk about. Let Apple, and Google, and Linux get all the glory. We'll be down here in the trenches.

Mediadork mending some fences

2007-06-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

Local BW hotshot Jay Greene sends a peace offering. We've been giving him the brush off ever since he pulled this total smear job. Looks like BW got the hint. He's kept it subtle but the tells are there in his latest piece. You just have to know what to look for. For example, "software colossus" versus "swelling bureaucracy". Or the whole "Cash to Burn" section. C'mon. And how about that "flanking maneuvers" quote from our guy Sohn? I'm loving that. Makes us sound cunning and dangerous. Like the Viet Cong. Not Napolean bogged down in Russia during the winter. I may give Adam some extra grant love for that one. Greene's timing is pretty good because I've about given up on the local PI dorks. Here's Dudley giving Apple some more free iPhone publicity. Like they need that. Is Apple putting food on the table of your local subscribers, dumbass? Bishop at least tries to spin the potential Exchange hook, not that I'm admitting there is one. Wink. But he's been going off the reservation lately too. So okay, Jay, you're back in the fold. I'll talk to Waggener and get you access again. But it's probationary. Pull another "troubling exits" stunt and you're back in the dog house.

Xbox 360 sales up 178% in Japan

2007-06-26T11:52:00.000-07:00

Finally some love in the land of the rising sun. I don't have to tell you how tough it's been trying to crack that particular nut, or fortune cookie, or spring roll, or whatever the hell they eat over there when they're not getting blitzed on single-malt. That's what I mean when I say we keep coming, and coming, and coming. We're tireless. Did you catch Ellison's favorite movie The Last Samurai? Think they were focused and persistent? They're lightweights compared to us. We never give up. And it's finally starting to pay off. I'm super excited to see it. Nice save, Robbie. I was getting some pressure to cut you loose, but you came through for us. Let's see if Howard - sorry, Sir Howard - is still talkin' smack when we surpass his PS2 sales.

I take back everything I ever said about Kollar-Kotelly

2007-06-26T11:25:00.000-07:00

She's okay after all. She gets it. Fight it out in the marketplace, not the court room. Take that, Schmidtdork!

Microsoft's Next CEO? You're looking at him.

2007-06-25T20:37:00.000-07:00

Minidork is back getting the rabble wound up again and suggesting candidates to replace me as CEO. Funny stuff now, but this punk almost got me shitcanned a year or two ago with this same crap. Hey Mini, next time you come to a gun fight don't bring a knife. Still, I'd like to find out who the little traitor is. I don't know why we can't figure that out. You'd think with half the management team spending cycles on it, not to mention all of the network security guys, we could find one measly little shit-disturber. I mean, how hard can it be? We know he's not on an H1 visa or a green card. So that's one-third of the potential suspects crossed off the list. Unless the mediadorks were playing games, he's not a skirt either. So cross off another whack of suspects. And how many straight guys hang out at plant nurseries? The only horticulture any red-blooded male in the Pacific Northwest cares about involves 411, not begonias. But as usual, I'm just going to have to catch Mini myself. Like I don't have enough on my plate. Anyway, here's my plan. Mini has created a facebook entry and invited others to come be his friend. The loser. Soooo, just like Bill Murray in Caddyshack, I'm going to create my own facebook entry, incognito of course, and be the "friendly rabbit" in his little varmint circle-jerk. When the time is right, wham! We spring the trap. Then the little gopher and I are going to spend some quality time in building 34. Remember the movie Antitrust? You think those Hollywood dorks who brought you five Rocky sequels dreamed that up? Not a chance. Let's just say that not everything in the movie was fiction. Mini, when we catch you, you're going to find that out the hard way. Count on it.

Things are gonna change around here

2007-06-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to get a little pissed off at some of my senior guys. I don't generally believe in micro-managing like that Jobs dork. We pay these guys well, and I want them to feel like they own their respective businesses. But maybe I've given them too much leeway. Case in point, Yusuf Mehdi. Raikes flips me a 911 last week with this link showing year over year search results [I think he's secretly lobbying to take over that area too. Between you and me, he isn't going to get it]. So I read this article and I am l-i-v-i-d. It's a good thing the chairs in my office are all screwed down now. Anyway, I try to round up the two dozen or so senior executives involved in search and advertising for a major strategy telecon, but no one can find Mehdi. You think maybe he's busy plotting how to take maximum advantage of our six billion dollar aQuantive deal? No, he's hobnobbing in Cannes for Christ's sake. Can you freakin believe this? I'm getting raked over the coals here. Meanwhile he's on the Cote D'Azur, watching French babes sunbathe topless, while sipping champagne and eating hors d'oeuvres - whatever that is. I'm telling you, there are gonna be some changes around here. No more Mr. Nice guy. Look for a few of the Fat Cats to get docked fifty thousand shares or so on the upcoming grants. That's how serious I am about instilling some goddamned accountability around here. And Mehdi, when you get back, you're first on my shitlist.

WAAH, WAAH, WAAH

2007-06-25T14:01:00.000-07:00

Yet another dork giving us a hard time over Xbox 360 reliability. "Imagine if all the angry threads about broken Xbox 360s and Microsoft sucking were turned into positive messages about how great Microsoft was in helping with a problem. It'd make a huge difference". Oh gee, why didn't our team of highly-paid MBA's think of that? Listen up, askhole, do you know how much we've lost on this exercise so far? Five billion. That's with a big "B", friend. That's what it takes to hunt big game. And we promised to finally show profitability this coming fiscal. Also, I talked to Bach and he says you're FOS and the console is fine. Or at least it will be soon. So no, we're not going to give you and your dork buddies a new one because you can't get laid, and instead played Halo 2 all weekend in your mother's basement until you finally bricked it. If you don't like it, buy a Wii like everyone else. Or a PS3, because they can't give that shit away. Oh, and aren't you a little old to be playing with stuffed animals, mama's boy?

iPhone, iPhone, iPhone

2007-06-25T13:00:00.000-07:00

That's all I'm hearing these days. It's like the mediadorks are finally able to be cool again for being in the 3% minority of morons overpaying to run Macs, and just can't give it enough air time. Listen up: I don't care about the iPhone. So they sell maybe ten or twenty million units and create a nice, profitable, little multi-billion dollar business. Who cares? Do you think we couldn't do that if we wanted too? We're after big game, friends. Stuff that sometimes takes decades to show results. If Apple wants to feast off the carrion in the meantime, so be it. My advice to the faithful? Turn your existing Windows Mobile device into an iPhone. With the money you save, buy a Zune. Please.

Cry me a river Google

2007-06-25T12:43:00.001-07:00

This Schmidtdork is really becoming a pain in my ass. Hell, he's a google of pains in my ass. Here they are whining away that our recent agreements to change Vista's search don't go far enough. I told Smith this was gonna happen but nooooo, he knew better. Just "go along to get along", he said. So I agreed to make some changes, against my better judgement. I even had to endure that Jobsdork calling us pussies for doing it. And now what? Those little googleplex creeps are gonna cry to Kollar-Kotelly directly. Like I need that hassle right now, especially with those European Commission dorks still breathing down my back. I'm gonna crush this guy. It may not be today or tomorrow, but it's going to happen. You heard it here first.

Freejects See the Light

2007-06-25T12:24:00.000-07:00

Hah, looks like the freejects over at Mozilla finally figured out our new embrace and extend game plan for the web. Did these pony-tailed socialist Utopians really think we were stupid enough to just go head-to-head trying to build a better browser? Do you have any idea how much work that would be given IE's code base? And don't even get me started on the legal hurdles. No, we're not playing around here. The Internet is core, and we intend to dominate it. We're working on building muscles you haven't even seen yet. Silverlight is just one of them. Stay tuned.

Get the facts

2007-06-23T16:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, look, I wasn't going to have a blog. But then some Steve wannabe pops up, and next thing you know our local reporterdork Todd Bishop is anointing this guy king. Can you friggin believe it? Way to check your facts, Todd. I knew there was a reason we've been giving you and the rest of the PI pundits the cold shoulder. Anyway, I'm also sick and tired of all the attention this Secret Diary of Steve Jobs is getting. It's bad enough that clown is making a fool of us in the marketplace and on Wall Street. I'll be damned if he's going to do it in the blogosphere as well. So now I've got my own secret blah-blah-blah, or whatever you want to call it. And before you Mac Marines chime in saying I copied the look and feel of Jobs' site, so what? If white minimalist Apple crap is the current flavor of the month, we can do that too.