"Pretty cool to see my team on the list"

I'll say. Some long overdue recognition for our people in the SRC. See story here. Key quote: "Moyer said Microsoft's Security Response Center (MSRC) made the grade this year because the job is just so hard and thankless. "It's one of those classic jobs, which isn't gross or dangerous in any way, but the overwhelmingness of the task at hand makes it so daunting that only the most intrepid would venture there." That's what we do. The hard stuff. The thankless stuff. The stuff nobody likes to talk about. Let Apple, and Google, and Linux get all the glory. We'll be down here in the trenches.

Mediadork mending some fences

Local BW hotshot Jay Greene sends a peace offering. We've been giving him the brush off ever since he pulled this total smear job. Looks like BW got the hint. He's kept it subtle but the tells are there in his latest piece. You just have to know what to look for. For example, "software colossus" versus "swelling bureaucracy". Or the whole "Cash to Burn" section. C'mon. And how about that "flanking maneuvers" quote from our guy Sohn? I'm loving that. Makes us sound cunning and dangerous. Like the Viet Cong. Not Napolean bogged down in Russia during the winter. I may give Adam some extra grant love for that one. Greene's timing is pretty good because I've about given up on the local PI dorks. Here's Dudley giving Apple some more free iPhone publicity. Like they need that. Is Apple putting food on the table of your local subscribers, dumbass? Bishop at least tries to spin the potential Exchange hook, not that I'm admitting there is one. Wink. But he's been going off the reservation lately too. So okay, Jay, you're back in the fold. I'll talk to Waggener and get you access again. But it's probationary. Pull another "troubling exits" stunt and you're back in the dog house.

Xbox 360 sales up 178% in Japan

Finally some love in the land of the rising sun. I don't have to tell you how tough it's been trying to crack that particular nut, or fortune cookie, or spring roll, or whatever the hell they eat over there when they're not getting blitzed on single-malt. That's what I mean when I say we keep coming, and coming, and coming. We're tireless. Did you catch Ellison's favorite movie The Last Samurai? Think they were focused and persistent? They're lightweights compared to us. We never give up. And it's finally starting to pay off. I'm super excited to see it. Nice save, Robbie. I was getting some pressure to cut you loose, but you came through for us. Let's see if Howard - sorry, Sir Howard - is still talkin' smack when we surpass his PS2 sales.

I take back everything I ever said about Kollar-Kotelly

She's okay after all. She gets it. Fight it out in the marketplace, not the court room. Take that, Schmidtdork!

Microsoft's Next CEO? You're looking at him.

Minidork is back getting the rabble wound up again and suggesting candidates to replace me as CEO. Funny stuff now, but this punk almost got me shitcanned a year or two ago with this same crap. Hey Mini, next time you come to a gun fight don't bring a knife. Still, I'd like to find out who the little traitor is. I don't know why we can't figure that out. You'd think with half the management team spending cycles on it, not to mention all of the network security guys, we could find one measly little shit-disturber. I mean, how hard can it be? We know he's not on an H1 visa or a green card. So that's one-third of the potential suspects crossed off the list. Unless the mediadorks were playing games, he's not a skirt either. So cross off another whack of suspects. And how many straight guys hang out at plant nurseries? The only horticulture any red-blooded male in the Pacific Northwest cares about involves 411, not begonias. But as usual, I'm just going to have to catch Mini myself. Like I don't have enough on my plate. Anyway, here's my plan. Mini has created a facebook entry and invited others to come be his friend. The loser. Soooo, just like Bill Murray in Caddyshack, I'm going to create my own facebook entry, incognito of course, and be the "friendly rabbit" in his little varmint circle-jerk. When the time is right, wham! We spring the trap. Then the little gopher and I are going to spend some quality time in building 34. Remember the movie Antitrust? You think those Hollywood dorks who brought you five Rocky sequels dreamed that up? Not a chance. Let's just say that not everything in the movie was fiction. Mini, when we catch you, you're going to find that out the hard way. Count on it.

Things are gonna change around here

I'm starting to get a little pissed off at some of my senior guys. I don't generally believe in micro-managing like that Jobs dork. We pay these guys well, and I want them to feel like they own their respective businesses. But maybe I've given them too much leeway. Case in point, Yusuf Mehdi. Raikes flips me a 911 last week with this link showing year over year search results [I think he's secretly lobbying to take over that area too. Between you and me, he isn't going to get it]. So I read this article and I am l-i-v-i-d. It's a good thing the chairs in my office are all screwed down now. Anyway, I try to round up the two dozen or so senior executives involved in search and advertising for a major strategy telecon, but no one can find Mehdi. You think maybe he's busy plotting how to take maximum advantage of our six billion dollar aQuantive deal? No, he's hobnobbing in Cannes for Christ's sake. Can you freakin believe this? I'm getting raked over the coals here. Meanwhile he's on the Cote D'Azur, watching French babes sunbathe topless, while sipping champagne and eating hors d'oeuvres - whatever that is. I'm telling you, there are gonna be some changes around here. No more Mr. Nice guy. Look for a few of the Fat Cats to get docked fifty thousand shares or so on the upcoming grants. That's how serious I am about instilling some goddamned accountability around here. And Mehdi, when you get back, you're first on my shitlist.

WAAH, WAAH, WAAH

Yet another dork giving us a hard time over Xbox 360 reliability. "Imagine if all the angry threads about broken Xbox 360s and Microsoft sucking were turned into positive messages about how great Microsoft was in helping with a problem. It'd make a huge difference". Oh gee, why didn't our team of highly-paid MBA's think of that? Listen up, askhole, do you know how much we've lost on this exercise so far? Five billion. That's with a big "B", friend. That's what it takes to hunt big game. And we promised to finally show profitability this coming fiscal. Also, I talked to Bach and he says you're FOS and the console is fine. Or at least it will be soon. So no, we're not going to give you and your dork buddies a new one because you can't get laid, and instead played Halo 2 all weekend in your mother's basement until you finally bricked it. If you don't like it, buy a Wii like everyone else. Or a PS3, because they can't give that shit away. Oh, and aren't you a little old to be playing with stuffed animals, mama's boy?