Beware of the big dog

Gotta be quick because I'm in Denver today at the worldwide partner event where we're ripping it! I love partners. They get my juices flowing. Think about it. Thousands of them all over the globe. Little seedlings full of unlimited potential. All you have to do is feed and water them regularly. And that's what this event is all about. Me, Turner, and some of the other executives are supplying the fertilizer. Later tonight we'll add the water. Courtesy of Coors that is. And plenty of it too. The media is already feeling the buzz we're generating here. I tell ya it is off the charts! Even el grande mediascum the Register couldn't put their usual negative spin on it. Only we aren't just going to bark in '08, pommy mediadorks, we're gonna bite! You'll see. Woof!

More proof that our people are the best!

Minidork went and blew the lid off my new blog. And I was still in stealth mode. Twerp. I can't seem to shake this guy. He's like Professor Moriarty to my Sherlock Holmes. Or maybe Grendel to my Beowulf. Yeah, I had to read it in school too. Anyhoo, I make one post with my plan to catch the little creep and up he pops. Meanwhile I've been posting about mediadorks like Bishop, Dudley, and Greene, and none of them figured it out. Great sources guys. I guess Woodward and Bernstein can breathe a little easier. Still, it proves what I always say. Our people are the best. Even the bad apples. Mini, I still want to cap your ass. But your display of initiative and tech savvy in blowing away those mediascum makes me proud. Maybe we can hire you back as a consultant or something after we find you, beat you up, and then fire you.

Dammit Dammit Dammit!

I told Bill this despicable Nintendo campaign to undermine confidence in Xbox was going to cost us. And it did. One large. I don't mean a thousand bucks either. We're talking large large. For you non-cognoscenti, that means one billion to us super-rich. Shit! Bach told me he had this under control. New units with some added technical doodad were going to quietly roll into the channel, we'd continue ignoring existing whiners, and everything would be okay. Like that worked. Prick. I should have thrown him under the bus when everyone was clamouring for me to do it. But nooo, I stood by him. This is how he repays me. At least the FAM isn't for a while. I couldn't face that mob of analystdorks right now. And thank God Liddell got onside. When I first approached him about burying the charge in '07 instead of '08 he got all pissy with me. "But Steve, GAAP says this and the SEC says that, blah blah blah". Like I give a flying f#!k, you by-the-book dork. In hindsight, maybe I shouldn't have started things off quoting the old "five-second" rule for eating food dropped on the floor. I guess they don't have that saying in the land where men are men, and sheep are scared. Anyway, we don't pay him the really big green so he eventually came around. As for you Bach, you'd better get your shit together and deliver that profitability we promised this year. And don't expect a big increase in year-end stock grants either. We both know where that money went.

A couple people are returning Xboxes

I already admitted that we've had the occasional problem. Mea goddamned culpa. What do you people want, blood? It was bad enough when the mediadorks were speculating about 20% return rates. But now they're claiming 33%. And get a load of this so-called "study". Look, we pay for these things all the time. You can make them say whatever you want. But that stuff about Canada is just an obvious fabrication. C'mon, like an Xbox is going to overheat there. Check out the picture that some of our covert people captured and you'll understand what's really going on here. What do you see? Cottonheads, women and children. That's Nintendo's fan base, not ours. These miscreants are simply trying to give the Xbox a bad name by buying it and then returning it, claiming it's "unreliable". All so their precious Wii can take over. It's despicable. The mediadorks are falling for it, but don't be fooled. We're on it.

Telling it like it really is

One mediadork finally has the courage to tell the truth about this goddamned iPhone. It's just a phone, people. A really expensive one. Listening to the breathless coverage you'd think it was the Second Coming. I'll give Apple and Jobsdork some credit. They've been able to generate a little buzz around this thing. And the unit isn't entirely ugly. But the honeymoon is over. We had our honeymoon phase too back in the 90's. It doesn't last. Now we have to work for a living. Apple's going to find that out. Meanwhile we're laser-focused on our strategy. It may not be as "sexy", but we're after big game. Apple can have their little niche and the adoration of clueless fashionistas and mediadorks. Jim, keep up the good work. As mediascum go, you're pretty okay. I'm sending you a pink Zune as a thank you. Squirt me.

Meg, call me.

What is it with Whitman? Even some of the mediadorks have figured out that Google is secretly plotting to bury Ebay. "Do no evil", my ass. But still she's in denial. I must have put in a dozen calls to her over the past few weeks to talk about getting them onto our platform instead. Each time she either didn't respond, or called Bill. Then he calls me and tells me she called, I call her, and she calls him again. Talk about a nightmare loop. Look, I know you guys go way back. But he left me in charge, okay? So just pick up the phone and call me directly. We'll work something out. I'm serious about this. Hell, I'll get the Ebay logo tattooed on my left butt cheek live on Miami Ink if that's what it takes to show you we're committed. Just call me. Oh, and use a regular land line or cell, okay? Bill says that Skype shit you're using is flaky, and I trust his judgement on this kinda stuff. Maybe we can throw in some Speech Server as part of the deal.

Bloody Brits

Whatever happened to "stiff upper lip"? The suffering in silence that made the British famous during the Battle of Britain? Here they are whining because a few Xbox's had some problems. Let me fill you in on a no-so-well-kept secret. Stuff occasionally breaks. You guys should know, you gave us British-Leyland automobiles. And that "20%" failure rate is just laughable. I know what it is and I can tell you flat out it isn't 20%. It isn't even 19%, unless you round up. Get your facts straight, you pommy bastards.